There are coils
constricting the organs,
yet the mind allows it
to feel something man-made
hold onto the body (rotting)
from within
until decomposition
reveals nothing
but cogs.

-Chris Mann 

only a still face
can hide this fear
of selves into one
emotion injecting
the emptiness of selves
into others, but they won’t
understand ‘til
the face freezes into a smirk
trapped within the white
walls of an asylum
already there.

-Chris Mann 

I fully realize this has no philosophical merit; I am merely using this as a mind experiment through stream-of-consciousness writing. I’ve managed to escape my extensive period of depression (causing me nausea, constant anxiety, irrational fears, a slight descent into madness), which may sound odd, considering I am discussing nihilism and nothingess, but bear with me as I traverse into this experiment, an experiment to possibly convey a mind in inner turmoil, but an attempt to turn this turmoil into a possible form of enlightenment and inner peace:

-I believe in nothing; therefore I am afraid of nothing.

-“Fuck your ethnicity”

-Everything we believe in divides us—we accept those with similar beliefs and reject those without. We object statements and disagree as if we know things for sure. Stating things in certainty is believing that you know something for sure in an unknown, infinite universe(which means, an infinite amount of possibilities) that created us.

-We should live for the unknown. Live by nothing. Not morals, values, religion—-which all divide us. If we can cope with the void we can cope with anything—which is nothing. Division will die and we will attempt to either: ‘better’ the lives of everyone—a strive for equality knowing that life is meaningless and know nothing; or the opposite: destroy each other, instead of mental destruction imposed by institutions and beliefs. But the ‘risk’ is worth throwing away beliefs—we will eventually destroy the world through war, overpopulation, environmental harm, and other possibilities I cannot conceive.

-So why not take the risk? A world progressing toward equality and harmony—an attempt to end the staticness of our lives—a life of watching screens and feeling ‘stable’ in a complete system awaiting its collapse. The earth’s death will also make an end to our staticness. Absurdity will no longer be a concept, but witnessed. Uncertainty will diminish—replaced by the certainty of death. We will want to change our lives, which we’ve ruined, but it will be too late; unless the acceptance of nihilism leads to what I’ve stated before: equality. If we believe in nothing, division will die, or we will.

-These philosophical concepts mean nothing.

-Apathy is the realization that life is meaningless, but simultaneously want to do nothing to better it. Believe in apathy and life will be miserable. Believe in your ‘self’ your ‘ideas’ your ‘beliefs’ and misery will still ensue. After nothingness, we can attempt to improve the lives of a world in nihilism. Why suffer when there is no afterlife? Why let others control your thoughts and actions? Why work for anyone? These questions aren’t apathetic, these questions lead to the possibility of freedom, a life of certainty: the certainty in nothing. The government, people, ideas, beliefs, knowledge, religion, control us. Why allow this? There is nothing. Live the way you feel, but in a way that you know won’t hurt others—an interpretation of the negative emotions others have brought upon you. It is almost hedonism—do things which make you happy; happiness and laughter is a pleasure instinct, laughing away or at the void. Dark humor is laughing at death—it is knowing death is something (not) to be afraid of. The concept of death did not exist until life. When we cease living concepts won’t exist, therefore death will not be negative. Consciousness is a defense mechanism to keep the body living: abiding by strong emotions, negating the negative emotions because they lead to the idea of death, and death is something the indifferent experimental universe that makes us evolve does not want; for at least a period of ‘time’ to allow the body to replicate other bodies and beliefs to keep humanity thrive then die. It wants the desiring-machines to expand and flourish, then destruct and start anew—just like the idea of an infinite expanding universe that will eventually collapse as all the galaxies and everything out there drifts apart further and further until nothingess, until a space completely black. Of course I don’t know this, because I know nothing. If we stop believing emotion, then we will control ourselves (not quite) completely. We will control any desire. I’m not saying stop having emotions and stop desiring; but realize we have control over these moreso than we think. (Our thoughts, not our mortality). We are not born with God, government. We are not born with separation, gender, ethnicity.We are not born with any beliefs and ideas. We are programmed to believe in these beliefs to cope with the idea of death. We are born by crying, sometimes not. We are born with one desire—the desire for the teet—the need for food, water, nutrition, sex: all what makes the experiment of life continue.

-Fuck your beliefs, then you will love others—a projection of yourself—a desire to be with someone that you interpret as ‘similar’. If we believe in nothing, similarities will die and we will all differ. Judgment will cease, we still stop comparing—the act of interpreting words/actions into our belief system which did not exist until programmed into us. It is not ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, so why compare? Why call others wrong? Why divide? Why not love everyone? All our minds are so vastly different because we’ve all been programmed differently—receiving the changing external world, which we’ve experienced like no others, and interpret this into this belief system that keeps us avoiding the discussion of death and meaninglessness. This is fascinating. Personalities are representations of how people experienced the unknown world,the unknown universe, externally and internally, but all internally, because every sense is a reflection of our mind. The mind is infinite with ideas because the universe is infinite, which created consciousness. Our lives, our ego, does not exist. It is a collection of false interpretations. But this means every single individual is just as complex as the next. Every mind is unknown, except ours, the one we dwell in, which is also unknown, but known through our external and internal interpretation that keeps us eating, shitting, fucking.

-Don’t view meaninglessness as negative—it is a coping mechanism for the idea of death, which we did not fear until taught. View nothing and meaninglessness as profound, as fascinating. With nothingness you can look at everything, which is nothing, in utter awe. By knowing nothing the whole world becomes mysterious, absurd, unpredictable, beautiful. Our lives may be meaningless; but we should focus on emotions that stir something positive within to make life more enjoyable while looking into the face of nothing. The unknown makes life not boring. The known makes life boring, beliefs makes life boring: determinism causes us misery. We believe something ‘good’ will come from our actions, but nothing can be determined, everything is the unknown. It is amazing how anything/nothing is. We will never understand anything/nothing. This makes me laugh (a reaction of the most positive feeling within) at my death, instead of weep. Believe in nothing and you will enjoy each and every aspect of the world. Believe in something and you will weep for the world, and weep for your life lost. I personally, choose laughter.

/rant

-Chris

I yearn,
a love silent, except

my faces
stoic
finds
faults

in frowns,

remember:
human
nature is nothing
grand,
we

say everything
with excitement

we don’t have

since

speaking exists,

it reminds us

silent sought
is selfless
love,

no truths,
nor open secrets,
nor ‘open’ minds,
or words wise
vows, rather,

voices
vexed,
lived voices,
a still world still
spinning to spit

feign.

-Chris Mann 

Bars on windows
don’t protect
us from
thought
police
gangs

walk the streets
breathe smog
drugs to imagine
sky again
young

cousin age 20 shot
in heart died
when born
lost family
in streets

the windows
traps us
distracts violence
on newspaper
cousin age 20
in back page
front smiling
mayor.

-Chris Mann

Main Attrakionz-Paperwork

Finals week.

The sun shines through my window
I shut the red drapes to witness warmth
I can’t feel when I leave my smoke haven
the only place that makes me laugh, alone
outside, the cherry blossoms smelt nice,
the people biking were refreshing
the laughter of students like music.

I become more pale in the spring
the red drapes mock me as they wave
to me, shaking at the thought of sun
passion that I’ve killed because I’m here
they move, gleaming with friends
mourning because I ran away,
hid behind the red, the smoke
society, I can no longer cope
the laughter hurts me, the people
hurt each other waiting to speak
words, my head is heavy,
I can no longer look up
I can only look down.

They aren’t judging me
They aren’t hating me,
I’m judging and hating them,
the weather I believe harms
the individual who escapes groups
the schizophrenic who only loves
the human hurt from the burning
words wishing to help someone lost
can’t handle the pollen of people
penetrating heads of the high
do not leave me, stay with me
inside, I can’t, spring is here
the flowers point toward the sun
like the fingers of the crowd.

-Chris Mann

In a crowded campus nausea ensues,
I bike far to avoid the voices
pause, yell, stutter, spitting selfish words
we all love to love ourselves only
amidst those speaking to compare ugly music-
laments about nothing,
I think of nothing when I bike
that’s what it is-
shouting, building, comparing ourselves-
a useless rock spinning away from others,
we think we’re special
only talented tongues
play the greedy game of life
now pure as I park my bike
sit in a desolate playground 
no voices, chirping jays and orioles-
a music in harmony, hating humanity
interrupting the beautiful songs of mating
the beautiful flows of thoughts
free, don’t cling to God: human suicide prevention
prevents me from experiencing peace;
but in this desolate playground as I write this
a smile so seldomly expressed spreads
like when I was a free child—
that’s why I sit in this playground-
to mourn and to smile naive nostalgia
in a mind endless, a mind now clear
because I biked away to a place
where I can love my own thoughts,
the sand, the birds, broken sticks
withholding a life of their own,
we’re indifferent toward each other
but live together in our own space-
a place we all have but refuse to partake,
we love voices to the point of forgetting
the sound of music, the sound of silence,
the sound of consciousness
do not escape me, you will,
the voices will return
the nausea will ensue
the past will be sought
the child will die.

-Chris Mann 

(1)

a love I loved briefly
I am going to meet outside
return all the optimistic books
she has given me.
i appreciate the idea of her, but
i don’t love her
and I hate myself for it,
i hate myself for loving myself,
i hate her for loving everything
and for loving me, inviting me to
her bed to hold on to her like a pillow
and cry on her shoulder like my mother
who left, so I left her a long time ago
embraced my loneliness so now I can’t
love anything except my imagination,
my demons, my lovers, my friends,
the reason why I smirk silently alone.

(2)

I want someone to hit me with a whip
just once
so I can at least feel something
feel that someone cares enough to smack me
on the back and make me bleed a little
but not too much
is it too much?
the scars that you will see forever
the scars that you have given me because
you did not do what I asked
healthy food, healthy love, healthy mom
I can’t control she can’t control
fate is all of us.

(3)

I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore,
that’s not me I see, it’s a chunk of meat with
an indifferent brain bringing obstacles of hope
keeping the water and shit churning inside me.